Parenting Tips
HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH SHYNESS, ANXIETY AND STRESS
Knowing a child's temperament and explaining what will happen in school can ease a child's nervousness. One way parents may help is to rehearse different scenarios with their child at home. For example:
"Johnny, what if you are in a classroom with no one that you know. What are some ways you could get to know someone in the class?"
If children are unable to come up with an idea of how they can meet someone on their own, a parent can model what they could do, such as walk up to a child they might want to get to know, get their attention and introduce themselves asking what the other child's name is.
Involving children in activities that they like outside of school can be helpful as well, such as sports, dance, and art or play dates. Keeping the lines of communication open with their child's teacher and the school counselor is also important. Making sure that everyone is working together for the betterment of the child is the most important piece.
There are several other ways that a parent can assist their child in dealing with shyness. You might want to share a time that you felt shy or bashful. Letting your child know that it is normal so that they don't feel alone with it.
As a parent, it is important to educate yourself and learn additional strategies in order to better aid your child. The websites and links listed in our Parenting Resources Link and those listed below are some of those available to assist parents in dealing with their child's shyness.
Read-Aloud: Reading with children is a great way to teach skills as well as open up discussion about their problems, worries and concerns. Click here for children’s books that help children develop skills for dealing with shyness.
Online parenting tips:
Shykids.com is a comprehensive website dealing with shyness, as well as offering information on making friends, building confidence, conversation tips, and booklists for all age levels
Child Anxiety Website is designed to provide user-friendly information about child anxiety. It is an excellent source for additional anxiety related resources.
About our kids has an excellent article which gives an overview of the different types of anxiety a child may experience.
Kids Health website provides articles dealing with stress, and other anxiety related topics.
This article deals with the causes of stress and some tips on stress management
HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH FRIENDSHIPS
Examine your expectations: Are they consistent with developmentally normal expectations for 5 – 7 year olds? See the resource list below for more information. It is important to understand your child’s temperament and social style. Some children have one or two best friends while others enjoy having a variety of friends. It’s important to recognize and accept that your child may have a social style and needs that differ from your own which may eliminate some problems. The goal is for each of us to be comfortable and genuinely satisfied with our own social group and style.
Teach and practice positive social behaviors: Dr. Ron Taffel, Ph.D. recommends that you help your child learn to solve his or her own problems, so that s/he gradually develops greater insight, confidence and social skills. This means avoiding the urge to solve your child’s problems for him or her which is a role into which it is easy to fall. Sometimes it helps to think of yourself as a facilitator of a process rather than the problem solver.
Teach and model how to patch up their fights and disagreements. Modeling these skills in your relationships with your family members is a powerful learning tool for children.
Don’t ignore mean behavior. Remember making mistakes is part of the learning process. Comfort the child who has been hurt. State that the mean behavior is inappropriate and what is appropriate: “We don’t hit others when we are angry. We use our words.” Be specific when describing the inappropriate and appropriate behaviors and words. Referring to social caring rules can be helpful, “We use our hands and feet for helping.” Try to determine what motivated the behavior. Does you child lack a skill? Is s/he feeling jealous? hurt? angry? left out? frustrated? Are the adult expectations realistic and developmentally appropriate? Base further intervention on what you discover is behind the behavior.
Share your childhood friendship stories as a means to teach your child about the benefits and challenges of friendships and how to work out problems. Sharing stories teaches children that social difficulties are normal and that you understand.
Use the what-if game to reinforce the friendship skills being taught at home and school. Children love this game. You can make up cards with various situations on them. Have a family member pull a card, and then have each person talk about how they would deal with the problem. It helps to have the solution wheel handy. Some families make this a dinner time routine.
Reading aloud with children is a great way to teach skills as well as open up discussion about their problems, worries and concerns. Click here for children’s books that help children develop skills for better peer relationships.
Encourage and praise prosocial behaviors: Catch your child acting in a friendly manner and reinforce it. Also, remember to compliment your child’s efforts to use positive social behaviors.
Provide opportunities for socialization outside of school. Some children need to be taught how to arrange a play date as well as coached and supported as they become confident in this new skill. See Good Friends Are Hard to Find for more information on this.
See additional links below for more strategies:
HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH FEELINGS EXPRESSION
The following are strategies that will aid young children as they learn to deal with feelings of anger, sadness, worry, frustration, anxiety as well as other strong feelings.
I-Messages & Feeling Charts: Children may act out their strong feelings by hitting, kicking, etc. or hold them in expressing them somatically in a stomach ache or headache. When you notice your child expressing feeling in either way, encourage him or her to use his or her words. Instruct them,
“Express your feelings by saying, I feel_______________________when you__________________________. Please____________________________.”
When your child is unable to identify her feelings, use a feeling chart to assist her. If your child remains unable to express her feelings, your observation of her behavior and your thoughts can facilitate feeling expression. “ I noticed that __(adult oberservation)__. It looks like you are feeling sad or maybe mad.” Remember that fear and sadness often are underlying an expression of anger.
Calming Down Strategies: At times, your child may be so overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness, or another feeling that she will need time and space and/or assistances with calming down. Be proactive. Choose a time when she is calm and discuss helpful strategies for calming down. Share with her the strategies that you use as well as strategies you have observed her using in the past. Ask her which strategies help her calm down. (see the list below). Have your child identify 2-3 that she can or is willing to use when she notices that she is upset. Of course children sometimes need help recognizing the signs that they are getting upset.
Count to 5…10…or 20
Self-Talk or “being your own coach” – Encourage your child to talk himself through the difficult situations either outloud or in his imagination. Tell him to say encouraging things and/or remind himself of the strategies that help him to calm down.
Deep breathing – Instruct your child to breath in through the nose while she counts to 5 and than exhale slowly through her mouth. Repeat this 2 more times. Breathing can
assist in the calming down process. It not only helps to relax your muscles, it increases oxygen to the brain thereby improving problem solving abilities.
Thinking nice thoughts or traveling in one’s imagination to a place of comfort can have a calming effect. When your child identifies a place of comfort, tell him to picture it, smell it, listen to the sounds and feel it. Encourage him to use all his senses in developing a mind picture of his place of comfort. Some children like to create an actual picture of it by drawing, painting or making a model out of clay.
Taking a time out – This can be in the form of exercising or doing something physical - This can be a wonderful way to release the extra muscle energy produced when one becomes angry or upset. Walk…run…play…or punch a pillow. Spending time doing a favorite activity such as reading, playing, drawing, listening to music, etc.
Drinking a glass of cold water can help “chill one out.”
Encourage your child to practice and model using these strategies as opportunities arise. When strong feelings arise for you thinking outloud and describe in your child’s presence what you are doing to calm down.
Read-Aloud: Reading with children is a great way to teach skills as well as open up discussion about their problems, worries and concerns.
Click here for feelings articles written for children that help them develop skills for healthy feeling expression.
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